Stages of Grief

The stages or phases of the grieving process were first introduced by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross to describe the emotions of a dying individual. For those surviving a loved one’s death, these phases are often misunderstood because many who learn about them think they must go through all the stages in a specific order and to the same degree.

This is unrealistic because:

— each deathloss is different.

— you can experience some but not all of these stages.

— you may find your experiences overlap between phases.

— you will not necessarily be on a continual upswing.

— you may spend much more time in one phase than another.

— you may revisit some of these phases after you think you’ve worked past them.

— should you feel yourself going backward, you don’t have to start the process from the beginning.

Now, let’s look at the stages/phases of grief, adjusted for the bereaved person’s experience.

Shock

The dictionary defines shock as “a violent collision or impact, a violent unexpected disturbance of mental or emotional balance.” And, boy, isn’t that the truth. You can feel numbness, confusion, overwhelm.

One of the most common remarks by bereaved individuals is their “outer-body experience” when people are greeting them at the funeral. You’re watching the entire scene take place but you don’t feel like you’re a part of it.

That fog floats with you for quite a while. Don’t be afraid of it. It’s a protective barrier. Shock is our built-in mechanism to shield us from the overwhelming emotional impact on our mind and body.

Sometimes individuals can experience the entire funeral without crying and often claim not to feel anything. If this is you, it’s okay. Your emotions will come out later; now the shock you feel is coating you with calmness and a strength you need to get through this time.

When a person has been ill for some time, survivors may feel more relief than sadness. And that’s okay, too. You might move a little further in your grieving process earlier than most because you feel you’ve done most of it when that person was sick. Remember, you may not experience all of the phases we will speak about in the paragraphs ahead, but don’t feel something is wrong with you. Although dealing with their death is of primary concern for all of us, it is the adjustment to the loss of their presence and the interaction and relationship we had with them and expected to have with them in our future, which is truly what we are grieving.

Others of us, who have nursed an individual for so long, are surprised that it was now that our loved one died. Perhaps the doctors had given them longer to live, or they took an unexpected turn for the worse and you were caught off-guard. Perhaps you were trying some new drug or an experimental surgery, which didn’t work. You, too, can be in shock that all your hopes have been short-circuited. During the beginning of your grieving process, you may find yourself at a variety of places. You may feel completely drained, with no energy to do anything, or you may be the strong one, handling all the details and being there for everyone else in the family. You might be somewhere in between.

But as this protective bubble wears thin and the shock wears off, the reality that your loved one is dead is hard to bear. Harder to bear than in the beginning of your grief when you ‘floated’ through your pain.

Denial of their Death

When we are still in shock, it is common to be in denial that the death has even occurred. Upon receiving the news that a loved one is dead, many will immediately say, “That isn’t so. That can’t be true. Tell me this isn’t happening.”

It is extremely difficult, especially in sudden deaths, to comprehend that a loved one has died. Most of us do not live expecting doom to cast its ugly head each day of our lives. We don’t say, “Well, I wonder who will die today?” Rather, we’d like to believe all our precious family and friends will somehow outlive us. So when unexpected tragic news comes our way, we are naturally not prepared for it.

To help our minds better understand what is happening, we deny the news. You may say things like, “No, this can’t be happening. She’s not dead. I know she’s not dead. She’s just at college.” Or, “He’s away on vacation. I know he’ll come back.” We think, “This is just a dream. I know I’m going to wake up and this will have been a complete nightmare. Everything will get back to normal tomorrow.”

As the shock and numbness begin to wear off, we find ourselves reliving the death, bargaining with God to return them, yearning for just one more touch because we miss that person so very much.

Some of the most painful times come when we allow our minds and hearts to consider that our loved one may not be returning to us. And in that process, we go through the following:

— Disbelief. This is when we feel the need to relive the experience again and again. You find yourself telling others what is going on, how this occurred in your life, how the person died and every single detail surrounding the circumstances of their death. The reason you do this is because retelling your story, while it makes it no less painful, does make it more real for you. We still can’t believe it ourselves.



— Bargaining. Bargaining is a difficult process because it usually includes regret. We bargain with God. We say, “You know, God, if you will just bring her back to me, I’ll go to church for the rest of my life. I’ll do anything you want. Please just let me wake up tomorrow and let this have been a horrible nightmare.”



— Questioning. We ask the “whys.” “Why did this happen? Why am I going through this? Why did this happen to her? Why did she die this way?” There are no satisfactory answers to these questions, but you have to ask them. It’s a process which you should not dismiss. You need to continue to ask them, until you come to a place where you are more accepting of the fact that your loved one will not return. But understand you may never have answers to your questions.



We go through the “if‑only’s” and improperly blame ourselves for something we had no control over. “If only I hadn’t let her drive. If only I had bought her a train ticket. If only I had been there for her, perhaps this or that wouldn’t have happened.” Although it is hard now to release any regret or guilt you feel as far as your participation or lack thereof in the events of their death, you must release yourself from these feelings over time as they will only keep you stuck here unnecessarily.

— Yearning. Words cannot express the pain you feel for a chance to hold them, touch them, hug them, talk to them and tell them how much you love them. There is nothing wrong with talking to their pictures, hugging a stuffed animal to console yourself, embracing their unlaundered clothing and smelling their scent still on the garments or wearing their two-sizes-bigger-than-you pajamas to bed.

— Anger. This emotion can raise its head many different times during your griefwork. Some survivors are angry immediately after the death - “How could you take your own life? How could you do this to us?” Others feel anger later on - “I thought I would be alright on my own. Why did you leave me? I feel so incompetent to make all these decisions alone.” The healthiest anger is anger that is dealt with.

Despair

There is a tremendous void at this point. You have been slowly realizing your loved one is not coming back. That hole in your heart is so difficult to heal with. You miss them so desperately. You feel that part of you has also died. You wander aimlessly, trying to find your way. You become disorganized and confused. Nothing seems to matter anymore. You may start to question all aspects of your life and its purpose. "What does this all mean anyway? Why am I going through all this? Why can't I just snap out of this?"

Sadly, many of your friends and family may be waiting for you to “get over it by now” and expect you to be “back to normal.” But what is normal, anyway? Normal to you, now, will probably be completely different than it was before your loved one’s death.

If you find yourself unable to speak with anyone who will listen, it may be time to search out someone to validate your pain, fears and tears. It may be time to reach out to a counselor who specializes in grief and a bereavement support group.

The sorrow you feel hurts desperately. It may take many months, even several years for certain deaths, to feel more stable emotionally, all the while working and attending to your family. Slowly you start to think of making plans for your future without the one you love so much. These decisions can be hard and scary, but at some point, so necessary.

Renewal

There can be a tendency toward guilt when you begin to feel stronger and venture out to a new life without your loved one. But this is inevitable if we are to grow and move forward.

Too many survivors feel unworthy of going on and living their life when their spouse, child, or parent are no longer living and cannot share it with them. Because their loved one died too soon, or first, the survivor somehow convinces themselves that their lives are now over as well.

Don’t let this happen to you. There is a reason you are still here. There is work for you to do. People whose lives you will affect for the better; changes only you can bring about. Don’t fall for this lie.

You are entitled to feel happiness again, no matter what your grieving process may bring. Please remember that. There will come a time when you will laugh again, sing again, feel joy again and not feel guilty. Work toward that time. Be kind to yourself.

Shock

Denial of their Death

Renewal

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