After the death of a loved one, many things can change. In addition to your grief, you may also be confronted with the “death” or end of friendships, communities, property, etc.

Here are just a handful of situations that you may encounter and might add to your grief:

— When a loved one dies, your circle of friends may diminish.  Many do not know what to do or say and aren’t willing to subject themselves to your pain because it’s too messy and complicated.  Most of these friends have yet to experience a serious deathloss of their own, or they have had their share and can’t mentally deal with your problems too right now. They may attend the funeral, send a card, and you’ll never hear from them again.  Others, who may be around you because geography (neighbors) or employment (colleagues on your floor) demands it, may pay their respects but suddenly can’t find the time to have lunch or coffee with you any longer for fear you might want to talk about your pain and they just don’t want to get involved.

— When a spouse dies, those with whom you played bridge don’t call as much since they need even-numbered players.  And female friends forget to call, as they are now cautious that you will be attracted to their husbands, or worse yet, that their husbands may be attracted to you.

— Perhaps you now need to live with children far away from the community you called home for decades.  You feel uprooted.  Your precious home is for sale and the additional loss of your home and all its possessions, not long after your spouse’s death, makes it that much more difficult to bear. 

— You hate the fact that others need to care for you more than before.  There is a reluctance to ask for help - a determination to stay independent.

— Decisions are being made for you, and you aren’t communicating your needs adequately.  Some bereaved individuals, especially if they’re older, become withdrawn because of their new greater dependency on others and feel they are often misunderstood.  If your spouse has died, it is the good intentions of your children to help Mom or Dad by having you either live with them or close by.  But many times, your needs and desires aren’t fully considered.  Since you don’t want to harm the relationship you have with your children, you might just go along with decisions they make on your behalf.  And this can lead to underlying animosity and resentment, since your true desire is to remain independent.

Communication is key here.  Unless finances are a major concern, try not to make any changes too soon after the funeral.  We don’t think as clearly when under such shock and stress.  Leave major decisions for a number of months down the road, even a year later.  Everyone will be thinking more clearly by then, and you and your children will have had the time to consider many more options than everyone thought were first available.

You’ll also see who truly has your best interests at heart by how compassionate they are after your spouse has died.  Which family members are genuinely interested in your well-being and want what is best for you?  Who considers and listens to what you want?

— Because people avoid us, we suffer from rejection, either real or perceived.  People just don’t understand what we are going through, and we are often unable to explain it ourselves.  Other people want to help but don’t know what to do for us, and we are unable to communicate what it is we need from them.  This makes everyone feel uncomfortable and, until you have a better grasp of exactly what will help you, it is best to simply communicate that to your family and friends.  “Right now I just feel overwhelming confusion and pain.  I don’t know what you can do for me.  Perhaps you can just be here in the house with me.  We don’t have to talk.  Just be here with me.  Your presence will comfort me.”  That may just be enough for now.

— We feel a sense of isolation and alienation, and we believe we need to find distractions from the intensity of the grief.  We try to stay busy. We over-commit to activities and become workaholics or volunteeraholics ‑ stay busy, do more, do more.  We work later; we get up earlier.  We try to stay away from our family.  We try to do whatever it takes to keep moving, keep moving, keep moving as if, somehow, we are going to outrun this grief.

Well, unfortunately, you will not outrun your grief.  You may cause to delay it by all that action and all that busyness but, somewhere along the way, it will creep back into your life and you’ll need to deal with it then.  Take a step back and ask, “What exactly am I doing?  What am I trying to accomplish by working so feverishly, by taking on more at work, or more activities with friends, or even in my own garage?”  Are you doing everything you can to keep yourself out of the house, away from people?  If this is you, you are running away from yourself, your pain and your griefwork.  No matter how painful, you must slow down, allow yourself to feel the pain, and then you can begin to heal.

— Adults who have lost adult siblings often wonder why their grief is not as well respected as other types of grief.  They’ve told me how friends and business colleagues dismiss the pain of losing a brother or sister.  No one is really clear why this happens, but it does, and you are not alone.  Seek out general bereavement groups where you will find others who have had similar grief experiences and also need to talk to those who understand.

— Families who have survived a homicide frequently tell me how they are judged for the way their loved one died.  Somehow it was either the survivor’s or the victim’s fault.  But, it is neither.  The fact is, no one should be murdered, no matter what they do or where they live or who they associate with.  Victims are always someone’s parent, sibling, spouse or child, and their families grieve and grieve deeply.  They endure the suspicion of police and district attorneys, the countless hours working on the case, and the uncertainty of plea bargains and trials.  They seek justice above all else.  Remember, it is the murderer’s fault.  The blame belongs with them - only them.

— Families who have experienced a loved one’s suicide bear much guilt over what they could have done differently, even when they ultimately place responsibility on their loved one who chose his or her death.

Homicide and suicide survivors are among the most difficult bereavements.  And there will be judgment sometimes from the most unsuspecting places.  We realize neighbors, friends, business colleagues and even family will always have their opinions.  And they will usually judge and add their unnecessary two cents when they don’t understand the facts.

Sometimes we’ll take the time to explain; most times we won’t bother.  Remember, you will never change their minds and you shouldn’t waste your precious energy and your quest for acknowledgment of this tragedy on their ignorant words or deeds.  Let it be.  Work on yourself and your family’s needs.  Often, no explanation will suffice so don’t even try.  Instead, spend time with people who want to ease your pain because they understand - new friends you’ll find who truly know how you feel.  You’ll find them in bereavement support groups.

As you can see, there will always be someone whose advice you can do without.  Take the good - discard the rest.  Your goals are for inner calmness and the ability to help yourself and your family through this process in the way that works best for you.   For those family and friends who show themselves as being true helpers on your journey, communicate your needs lovingly.  They will listen and respect what you need.