If this is your first deathloss, you need to understand that no one else’s previous experience with grief will be exactly the same grief journey you experience.  And, if you have endured a deathloss in the past, this particular deathloss may not be anything like your previous experience. This is a completely different individual and your relationship with them has been different from the relationship you had with the individual who previously died. 

Consequently, we begin by explaining what grief is not because you may have heard many stories about what you will feel, what you will encounter, how people will treat you and many other sordid details, which may or may not be true for you.  They may have been true for that other person, but may not be true for you.

Therefore, begin this experience with an open mind.

— the way you learned to cope with stress in your life before this death.

— the quality of the relationship you had with the person who was killed or died.

— the circumstances under which they died. 

— the practice of your faith and ethnic customs. 

— the emotional support you receive from your family and friends while you are going through the grieving process. 

2.  We handle all deathlosses in the same way.  Again, untrue.  You respond to each deathloss during your life based upon many things: 

- whether this is your first deathloss or you've experienced more than your share.  Many of us can recall the incapacitation and shock we felt at our first serious deathloss.

- how mature you are when your loved one died. Experiencing a loved one’s death when you are a child will be much different when you are in your 40's.

- how the person died.  You will deal with police and district attorneys when a homicide occurs, whereas a natural death allows you to grieve without outside interruption.

- the relationship you had with them.  You will grieve the death of a child quite differently than a business colleague.

- the proximity of their physical body to you when they died.  A loved one killed in a car accident when you were a surviving passenger will feel quite different than your 90 year-old grandfather's death in another state.

- the quality of the relationship you had with them.  If you had strained relations with a family member, perhaps their death will not affect you nearly as much as a neighbor with whom you socialized on a regular basis.  Just because you were related to an individual doesn’t mean the grief will be greater.

- the geographical distance between the two of you.  Chances are you will grieve more deeply for a beloved grandparent, who lived in your home since you were a child, than one who lives 3,000 miles away, with whom you had little contact throughout your lifetime.

Parents endure great sadness knowing a child who dies young will not experience their sweet‑sixteen or graduation.  They won’t walk them down the aisle at their wedding, or see grandchildren from them.  They lose their future.

When we deal with the loss of a parent, we lose our past.  Although we know our parents will leave us at some point, we never really are ready for their death.  They provide a sense of family, a sense of security.  We now become the senior generation of our family structure.

Please note that there is no set timeframe; everyone’s timeframe is different and it depends on the relationship you had with that person.  If you had a superficial relationship, you will not, of course, need to grieve to the same extent as you would for someone whom you loved more deeply. 

This also does not mean you grieve with the same intensity throughout this entire time.  As time moves on, the grief softens, may come back intensely for shorter periods of time and then softens again.  This is why many bereaved individuals call grief a roller coaster of emotions because they are not consistent.

5. If I get rid of everything that reminds me of my loved one, somehow this process will be easier.  Throwing away or giving away the possessions of a loved one immediately after the funeral or shortly thereafter is not a wise move.  At this stage, you are still numb and not thinking clearly. Leave these decisions until you have had an opportunity to get more control over your emotions and are able to make clearer decisions about what you would like to keep and how you would like to distribute part of their belongings.  Please do not let others make these decisions for you.  This is something you need to do in your own time, in your own privacy, when you feel more stable. 

Let us now look at the flow of the grieving process, recognizing that you may bypass some stages for a time and dwell longer in others.  You may work your way through one or two of the stages only to revisit an earlier stage sometime in the future.