There are times when we go through denial and a sense of non‑reality. We feel confusion, like our brain is fuzzy. We have an inability to concentrate at times. We get preoccupied and find ourselves daydreaming and staring off into space. We can experience hallucinations, whereby we may be sitting somewhere and feel like we can actually see our loved ones in the room with us. For those who have experienced this, although it may be startling, it often brings a great sense of comfort.
A few years after my stepdaughter's murder, we were invited to the home of Luisa, a member of our support group at the time, whose daughter, Maria had also been murdered. As we enjoyed tea that Sunday afternoon, the front door slowly opened. As we all looked up, our hostess replied, “Oh, that’s Maria coming in to join us.” And it was obvious how comforting this was for Luisa.
Some may find this unsettling, but not her guests. It was her way of acknowledging her daughter’s presence into the room. She told us later that ever since Maria was killed this had been happening on a regular basis. She would be sitting in the room, reading or knitting, and all of a sudden the inner door would unlock and slowly swing open while the screen door would stay in place, and she gained great comfort from that.
Things like this do happen and please don’t be afraid of them because they can bring you great comfort. You only need to be aware that some folks will think you’ve absolutely lost it, so it’s best to share such joys only with true believers.
We also have the need to reminisce about our loved ones, to talk about them. To discuss all the different things we did with them at one time or another. Sometimes family members don’t want to discuss them or say their names, and you have to let them know that it is important to you that they use your loved one’s name when they speak about him. And, yes, they should speak about him often.
You need to tell them, “Just because I speak about Dad through the tears doesn’t mean that I am not happy to discuss our life together.” Family and friends sometimes act like our loved ones never existed when they don’t discuss them. It becomes an almost taboo subject because they are afraid it would bring you too much pain if they were to start a conversation about him. You need to help them understand that when they talk about him, it brings you joy remembering the happy times.
You may also have a desire to rationalize or intellectualize your feelings about the loss. Sometimes you are not at a level where you can say, “My child was murdered,” or “My child took his life.” So you might say things like “when the accident happened,” or “when they died.” That makes it a little bit less real for you, a little bit less painful. You haven’t gotten to the point where you can say what truly happened and you struggle with that. And that’s fine. When you can, you’ll move toward a place where you’ll be able to admit the truth about the circumstances of their death without embarrassment. It happened; it was real. You only harm yourself by covering up the truth.
You may also be thinking about suicide – the taking of our own life – a topic many people do not like to discuss. But the truth is many of us who have experienced the death of a loved one do think about suicide when the pain seems to get too great. You are not alone. Almost all of us have, at some time during the grieving process, wondered whether it would be better just to cut the journey short and end it all. Well, my friend, remember, there is a big difference between thinking it and doing it.
We all go through such great sadness. When the pain gets so intense, it is natural to search for ways to alleviate the pain. We all do this. Don’t be embarrassed for having such thoughts. Just remember; you know absolutely, positively that nothing would be solved from acting upon it. You would only hurt those around you more than they already hurt now. You need to know you will definitely get through this painful episode, this confusion. You will wake tomorrow morning and you will move forward. You may not think so right now, but you will.
If you find yourself in need of a confidential friend to talk to when you feel this way, please call the National Suicide Prevention LifeLine at 800.273.TALK (8255) or 800.SUICIDE (784.2433). Write these numbers down and keep them handy, near the phone, along with other important numbers of family and friends who have supported you through this time. If you feel blue or can’t seem to shake these thoughts, please call those hotline numbers. They are available 24 hours a day and have trained counselors to speak with you about your grief. And you don’t ever need to give your name.
Two other excellent confidential hotlines are:
— The 700 Club (800) 759-0700 - a Christian 24-hour hotline where you will find folks willing to listen, counsel and pray with you about anything.
— Girls and Boys Town National Hotline (800) 448-3000 - a 24-hour hotline for you and especially for the young people in your life who are struggling with grief and feelings of despair about any issue.
Remember; don’t just call when you feel totally out of control. Use these hotlines when you are having a difficult time coping and just need someone to talk to. There will be times when you feel like you’ve burdened your family and friends enough. Perhaps you’ve gotten the subtle signs that you should be over this by now. Don't get angry. Get help.
It is also wise to reach out to others in the community who are always willing to listen to your pain and know exactly what you are going through. Ask you reference librarian for local bereavement support groups in your community specifically for your type of grief. Or search the internet.
It is essential that you talk to people. You must develop a social network of individuals and counselors who, if necessary, will listen to you tell your story again and again because it’s so important that you get out your anger, your frustration and your anxiety. You want someone to talk to about very personal, intimate information and this may not be something you want to share with family members. Perhaps discuss concerns that are not appropriate for family members. You may be too embarrassed to bring up issues for fear they will think you are stupid or ignorant.
With anonymous hotlines and trusted new friends who are walking this same road as you are, now you have that safe outlet.
