It's Not Uncommon...Normal Grieving Responses After a Loved One's Murder
MaryMac
The violent death of a loved one is a horrific, emotionally devastating experience for those left behind. Survivors cannot understand how another human being could intentionally, often without conscience, take the life of someone they love. This one act can shatter hundreds of other lives as well.
The Emotional Challenges
It's not uncommon...
- to have to take your grief one minute at a time.
- to feel the intense "peaks and valleys" of emotion within short periods of time.
- to wake up in the middle of the night from horrendous nightmares depicting the suffering your loved one endured just prior to their death.
- to feel like you are going out of your mind, trying to figure out fiction from reality.
- to question "Why" you must endure this, especially since you never harmed anyone.
- to struggle with the "if onlys". Everyone goes through a period of the "if onlys" and ultimately realizes the blame belongs on the criminal, not you.
- to feel you could have, in some way, prevented this from happening. You couldn't have possibly thought anything so tragic would ever befall your loved one. The only person to blame is the criminal.
- to replay the events of that fateful day over and over in your mind.
- to feel helpless that somehow you couldn't protect her; that you should
have been able to protect her from this.
- to be unable to explain the pain, and made to feel guilty by friends, business colleagues and other family members that your struggle can't be resolved in the time frame they've set for you.
- for close family and friends to inquire when you'll be getting back to “normal.”
- to feel envious that other parents still have their children and you don't or that other children have their parents and you don't.
- to feel that you loved your child, parent or spouse more, and had a better relationship with them than many others whose loved ones are still alive.
- to struggle with what to do with their personal belongings. It is best not to make any quick decisions you may regret later. Save everything until you are no longer in shock and can make choices. Don't let others force you into something that makes them feel comfortable.
- to be unable to laugh.
- to be angry that others are so insensitive to laugh near you.
- to be intolerant of what others perceive as "problems."
- for husbands and wives to grieve differently.
- for a couple's sex life to deteriorate.
- for a couple to walk around on eggshells near one another because they aren't sure how to respond to the other's level of grief on any given day.
- for a wife to feel happy on the same day her husband returns from work in great pain.
- for siblings to lose their identity after a murder. Whereas they once were to middle child, they may now be the oldest.
- for siblings to become bitter that a large part of the household chores are now passed along to them.
- to be unable to continue in your present job, or function at school.
- for family and friends to disappear and for new unexpected friends to assist you in your time of need.
- for outsiders to blame the victim for their own death; by doing so they convince themselves that it can't happen to them.
- to be overwhelmed by how long it will take to "stabilize" after the crime.
- to feel guilty about self-pity. Everyone is entitled to spend a certain amount of time feeling sorry for themselves.
- to realize you and your family have been forever changed.
The Physical Challenges
It is not uncommon...
- to get panic attacks and fearful times when you think of the possibility of this happening to you.
- to have headaches, panic attacks, heart problems, stomach problems, depression, etc. following the murder of someone close.
- to be unable to sleep or sleep too much, unable to eat or each too much.
- find yourself starring into space for hours.
- find yourself curling up in a fetal position or rocking yourself back and forth in a stationery chair.
- feeling like you are living in a bubble or fog, where life is moving around you but you don't really feel like you're a part of it.
The Spiritual Challenges
It's not uncommon...
- to question everything about your faith.
- to wonder why she or he was taken, so innocent, when there are other evil people in this world.
- to bargain with God, that you'll do anything just to hold her, see her, feel her once again.
- to be angry with God. How could He put her through this intense, overwhelming pain. How could he let this happen to her. How could He make you endure this.
- to ask God why, over and over again, because how could this loving God, my God, allow this to happen.
- to question what life is all about, what purpose your life now has since your loved one was taken from you.
The Financial Challenges
It's not uncommon...
- for this crime to cause a financial burden within the household budget.
- to bear extreme financial hardship which can completely devastate your savings and financial future.
Those who struggle with the violent death of a loved one become acutely aware early on that there is a complication to their doing grief work – the criminal justice system.
Unlike other deaths, survivors of loved ones who have been murdered, killed by drunk drivers, run down in hit and run crashes, or through other violent and sudden means, are thrown into an often unfriendly, confusing, unfamiliar and somewhat intimidating group of people and sets of circumstances beyond their control.
The Legal and Media Challenges
It is not uncommon...
- for families to feel their grief is often put "on hold" while dealing with law enforcement officers, district attorneys/prosecutors, or attending hearings, trials, developing petitions, etc. And just when you start your grief journey, everyone around you wants to know how come you are "not over this by now."
- to feel intimidated by law enforcement and prosecutorial language you know nothing about or the people handling the case. Remind yourself this is their job and you'll expect them to perform it well just as you would any other professional.
- to be angry with insensitive news reporters whose stories are often inaccurate and hurtful.
- to feel used by reporters who wish to sensationalize the killing to sell more papers.
- to often feel the true story is never told.
- to be shocked to learn the victim really has nothing to do with the case - the case is the state vs. the defendant or New York State vs. John Doe. You ask yourself, "if there was no victim there would be no case."
- to become impatient with a criminal justice system which is so slow.
font-family: Verdana">- to be fearful that the judge and jury will not know how special our loved one was; by attending the trial the survivors represent the victim because they cannot represent themselves.
- to feel resentment that the detectives and district attorneys have studied criminal procedure for years and you are expected to comprehend it all in one or two quick lessons - while in shock!
- to be twice victimized by a criminal justice system more interested in the rights of the accused than of the victim.
- to be extremely angry with police, detectives, medical examiners whose work was so unprofessional and sloppy that crucial evidence was thrown out of court and possibly strikes a devastating blow to the district attorney's case.
- to be outraged that they would even consider offering the defendant a plea bargain.
- to be unnerved with continual delays before the trial finally begins.
- to feel the additional pressure at work. Trying to arrange time off to attend the trial is extremely difficult when its inception is constantly postponed.
- to be fearful and have mixed emotions before attending the trial. Painfully sitting through weeks of testimony, medical examiner testimony, hearing what was done to your loved one, and seeing pictures of the crime scene takes a great toll on a person. Listening to how your loved one was brutally killed in lurid detail is not something anyone ever considers experiencing in their lifetime.
- to feel robbed when you realize even if he is convicted, your loved one won't come back to you.
Mostly, it is not uncommon...
- to feel deep resentment that the act of one person could wreak such havoc, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially, over so many lives leaving you to pick up these shattered pieces.
And it is not uncommon...
- to find some comfort among the strangers who seem to come out of nowhere and assist you when those you thought you could count on have exited your life.
- to join others who share your pain and find a safe, nurturing environment which provides space to grieve.
- to slowly mold yourself a new life, perhaps completely different, which you are comfortable in.
- to focus less on the painful last minutes of their life and instead reach a point where you are able to value the time and love shared with your loved one.
(c)1995 MaryMac
When you've experienced a loved one's death...
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