Holidays/Anniversaries

Every one of us will encounter the empty and anxious feeling when we realize a certain special day is approaching. That day might be our loved one’s first birthday after their death, the first anniversary of their death, or a special occasion whereby most of our family will gather, such as the birth of a baby, a wedding, a graduation or a wedding anniversary.

Most bereaved persons will tell you the anticipation of your feelings on that day far exceed your actual emotions. You’re so anxious and so tense and so afraid of what that day will bring that when that day does arrive, to a certain degree, it’s almost a letdown. You think to yourself, “I actually survived today. The day went fairly well. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. Yes, it was traumatizing but it wasn’t all that I built it up to be in my head.”

Here are a few suggestions:

― I do encourage you to plan ahead for such events, even if the specific plans you make do not materialize. At least you start with a plan and go with the flow. This way you won’t be caught off guard, sitting at home with nothing to do and with no compassionate friends to surround you.

― When invitations come, build into each one the ability to change your mind. Yes - change your mind. It’s okay to change your mind. With each RSVP, you might say, “I really want to join you, but I’m afraid I’ll wake up that day and not feel like being around a lot of people. So I’m accepting on the condition that I can cancel at the last minute or, if I do attend and it gets too much for me, you won’t be offended if I leave early.” Now you’ve set the stage to be comfortable either way. Use this technique especially for Christmas plans.

― Be selective with invitations. Don’t accept invitations simply because of obligation, past attendance, or guilt. There are no “shoulds” anymore. Do what makes you feel comfortable, surrounded by caring, compassionate people who understand your grief and are willing to support whatever emotions may come up for you.

― On special days, and especially at Christmas and other year-end holidays, try to surround yourself with those who will not dismiss or minimize your pain. Nothing is more difficult than suppressing your needs, especially now, to make others feel more comfortable. Communicate with family and friends - they cannot automatically know what you need. If you want others to speak openly about your loved one - using their name out loud - you must express your wishes to them. Remember, you will always encounter those who still believe “out of sight, out of mind.” Who are they kidding? You need to set them straight by telling them it will make you feel better, not worse, to speak of your loved one, even if your tears flow. Often those closest to us are uncertain whether mentioning your loved one by name will bring you joy or pain. They need for you to give them permission.

― Spread the joy around. If you’ve had an opportunity to sort through your loved one’s belongings, that special occasion may be the perfect time to present a special memento to your family member. But use discretion. Giving the bride a personal piece of jewelry which was her mother’s should be done weeks prior to the ceremony so she can handle the emotions she may feel in private, rather than on her wedding day where she may be caught off-guard and ruin an otherwise beautiful time.

― Don’t expect perfection either in what you plan, the gifts you buy for others, or the activities you attend. Shop for gifts via store and mail order catalogs and the internet. Many merchants will wrap, include a gift card and ship directly to your loved one. This takes the pain out of going to the store and seeing all the young girls’ clothing and dolls you will not be buying for your daughter.

Christmas and other year-end holidays are a time of reunion, festive meals and gift giving. But for those grieving the death of a loved one, this time of year can bring anxiety, mixed emotions and heartache.

Consider these things you can do to reduce the stress and alleviate unnecessary pain:

― Understand that you are working at limited capacity and have less physical and mental energy. You may have trouble focusing and concentrating. You may need more rest. Don’t beat yourself up about this. There is no magical way to cope with your pain during the holiday season. Be gentle and patient with yourself. The holidays will definitely feel different this year and perhaps for a number of years to come.

― Keep planning simple. The more complex, the more energy you need. Make a list of all your traditional activities. Next to each event write down your thoughts and feelings: This year I don’t have the motivation to cook dinner for twenty guests. In a third column entitled “How could we do this differently?” write alternative ideas to that tradition: Ask my sister to prepare dinner this year or would Christmas brunch be easier. Discuss these new possibilities with family members. Let the list sit for a day or two then go back and make some decisions.

― After you’ve made these decisions, don’t second-guess yourself. And don’t feel guilty. You are doing what you need to do to cope with this intense holiday and all the emotion it brings.

― Limit the activities you do choose. If you decide to bake your famous cookies, make three dozen instead of the usual six. Recruit a family member or friend to shop for the ingredients, decorate the delicacies and help clean up.

― Break down your chosen activities into small segments. Don’t try to do everything all at once. There is no hidden law that says you must decorate the Christmas tree and the entire house the same day.

― Try to add one new tradition in memory of your loved one. Meet at the cemetery as a family to decorate a small Christmas tree. Visit the lake, beach, park or mountains to release colorful helium balloons with private messages attached to each ribbon.

― Find a supportive friend who will stay close to you during those difficult times throughout the holidays. Depression can easily set in along with the desire to hide under the covers. Don’t let this happen to you. If you are feeling blue, call that friend and talk it out. Play soothing music in your home and pull back the curtains to welcome in the sunshine. Call your local 24-hour crisis center or perhaps your favorite ministry’s prayer line. These folks are trained to listen and help you. Don’t shut yourself out from the rest of the world, no matter how tempting.

― Spend the holidays with someone. Try not to be alone. Consider when the loneliest times are for you and make arrangements to visit with others, have them visit with you, or plan an activity out.

― Include the children. Remember, children grieve at holiday time too. Encourage them to draw pictures and decorate cards to hang on the tree or display on the fireplace mantel.

― Spend more time with teenagers and young adults - this may be their first death experience. New emotions associated with the grieving process can be scary. If you are having difficulty connecting with your child, ask a trusted relative to “shepherd,” or watch over them. Don’t be offended if they find comfort sharing their fears with an adult other than you. Your pride is less important than finding your child a safe haven to express himself.

― Limit your use of drugs and alcohol. Masking the pain doesn’t make it go away - it only postpones the grieving process. You don’t want to compound one painful situation with a long-term addiction.

― Do for others. By volunteering to help your community’s less fortunate, you take the focus off yourself and your pain. Is there a local nursing or retirement home that would appreciate your family’s time?

― If you find yourself happy, smiling or laughing, don’t feel guilty about it. You are entitled to the release laughter brings.

― Whatever occasion is before you, if it becomes a very difficult day, remember the Crisis Line. That’s what they do - they are there for you when you need to talk to someone. And don’t think you can only use them in absolute desperate times or at 2:00 a.m. Use those numbers and don’t ever be embarrassed. They know bereaved folks are more susceptible to the blues at this time of year.

For other special occasions, there are many ways to include your loved one’s memory in the festivities:

― Learning to make the piñata for the children the same way your grandfather did for you.

― Having folks over on the anniversary of their death, on the condition that they arrive with the funniest story each shared with your loved one.

― Having a picnic at the cemetery.

― Letting white balloons go after the wedding ceremony with flowers from your bouquet attached to the bunch.

― Purchasing the toys you would have given to your child on his or her birthday and donating them to an orphanage.

― Pulling out all the old pictures and designing a new picture album of treasured memories. While special days are never easy because we so wish they could be with us, taking time to think through a good plan and creating memorable time with family and friends can make it that much more bearable.

Cart