We all have feelings of sadness, guilt, anxiety, loneliness, irritability and overwhelm. Sometimes, we have a desire to blame others. We might feel anger and embarrassment if our loved one was murdered or died by suicide. We feel self‑doubt, a lower self‑esteem, a sense of being out of control. We can experience everything from hopelessness and helplessness to feelings of victimization and absolute giddiness.
None of us like to experience these emotions because they make us feel uncomfortable, uneasy, uncertain. You may think to yourself, “Abstracts are not for me ‑ I want to feel in control.” And, often, this frustration is one of the worst parts about grief since you no longer do feel in control. Another emotion you may feel is relief. Relief, often times, brings feelings of guilt. We believe we don’t have a right to feel this way. But you need to know that it is not uncommon for survivors to feel relief after they have cared for or arranged for the care of an individual who had a terminal illness or had been ill for an extended period of time.
In time, you will release this guilt. Your emotional and physical contributions to your loved one have been exhausted. You need to rest and recharge. It is natural for you to need to reflect on a renewed sense of freedom and time. You should value your sacrifice, knowing it is now okay to relax. Try not to beat yourself up about this.
One of the most compelling feelings is the inability to tolerate individuals who take things for granted or are ungrateful for what and whom they have in their lives. I’ve never met a bereaved individual who didn’t tell me how they now see life in a completely different way. Things that were important to them before, no longer are. And when they encounter situations where people are getting upset over what they consider ridiculously fixable, they have no tolerance.
Once you’ve experienced the death of someone very close to you, you recognize the value of every day. I remember, during many grieving periods, asking myself how there could still be people out there who never had a major problem in their life bigger than their car, house or job. I’d think to myself, “I’ve had more than my share. Why don’t they have any pain like this?” They would be consumed with rage over what I perceived as trivial problems, while I was the one feeling “if only they knew what real problems were.” If you’re feeling this way, you are in good company. Intolerance to what we perceive as the petty problems of others is normal, normal, normal.
The solution to this is simple - don’t socialize with such shallow people. Friends and family who recognize your pain but still find a way to discuss their overwhelming, trivial problems are more selfish than you thought. Other friends like this will simply exit your life shortly after the funeral because they can’t handle it. Grief is messy, a long process, and it is just not for them. This is when you find out who your real friends are. I did. You will. It’s a fact. And when the dust settles, a whole new group of friends will appear and the shallow ones will fade into the sunset - which turns out to be a blessing.
