Effects on Marriage

During the best of times, marriage can be strained. But during hard times, when either one or both partners is grieving, it can be even more difficult to communicate and understand what your mate truly needs from you.

There will be times when only one person will be going through the grieving process. Other times, both partners will be mourning the death of someone close. Either way, your reactions can be so critically different. This would be a perfect opportunity to draw together, become closer, share your most intimate sorrows, your pain, your fear, and support each other throughout one of life’s most difficult experiences. But often that is not what occurs.

You believe, in some mysterious way, that your spouse understands exactly what you feel. But you are unwilling or unable to give your spouse the information they need to understand those feelings. Although you may not be interested in expressing it right now, they should instead somehow develop the ability to read your mind. You want them to know exactly what you are going through and how you feel, and you want them to make you feel better all at the same time, which is, of course, impossible.

There are times when you feel that your pain is so unbearable that you might just lose control if you risk talking about it. Men, especially, feel this way. If they do open up, they’re afraid of what might happen. It is just too mentally overwhelming and leaves them vulnerable.

They still deal with the “big boys don’t cry” attitude. And there are many men who measure their strength by being independent, in control. When they see women in such pain, they feel inadequate and tend to want to “fix” the pain. Problem is, grief is not instantly fixable. It is a journey.

Each of us feels inadequate to solve the hurts of the other. And couples deal with those hurts in very different ways. Both partners may feel out of control. Some men deal with this by overcompensating, by working long hours at the office. At least at the office, they think, “I am in control of my work environment.”

Some women, to feel more in control of their environment, competently take charge of the grief of everyone else in the household and decide it’s their job to “make it okay” for everyone else while sidestepping their own emotional well-being. If she concentrates on others, she will not have to examine and handle her own pain. Both are forms of denying pain and putting it on the shelf for another day. Partners will heal more completely when they are willing to see what they are doing and work through the pain instead of going around it.

Partners also experience what I call the “eggshell” game: tip-toeing around one another because one spouse may be having a good day while the other is in deep sorrow. The spouse who is doing better today is uncertain whether they should be happy to bring their sorrowful partner up, or reduce their own mood to their partner’s low level. It is a no-win situation and most couples experience this at some point in their grieving process.

You must discuss it openly and let each other know it is coming up for you. Chances are, each of you will have had the experience and neither could find a good solution. Do I act happy or sad for my partner’s benefit today? When you continually alter your mood to meet the mood of your partner, you will eventually feel out of control, even more so than you do now. And if it persists, resentment can build.

After discussing this with your spouse, be compassionate and loving. You might be having a strong period now and feel overburdened by their depressed state but just remember, that could be you in a few weeks. You don’t know how you might react later in your grieving process - so be kind and understand the intensity of their pain right now. Love them. Hug and hold them often. Bring them small gifts to say you understand.

If you find yourself on an upswing, discuss it with your partner, then consider spending a little more time with other grieving folks who are also at your “up-mood” level. You will find soulful friends like this at your bereavement group. They will listen without judgment and they will support and allow any unexpected emotions which may surface because they’ve been there. Remember, partners cannot always be everything to their spouses at all times, not even when we are not grieving. Everyone needs outlets, which our spouse may not be able to provide.

If you love golfing and your wife does not, an afternoon with the guys to just clear your mind of some of your pain might be just what you need. If your wife is feeling a bit better and you need to stay under the covers this Saturday to do your grieving because you had to be “on” all week at work, then it would be healthy for you to have your “alone time” while she visits with friends who understand her pain and want to provide something fun to lift her mood.

Another way to help open the lines of communication is through keeping a journal. While we mentioned it earlier as a way to release tension and frustration each day through the magic of the pen, it can also be extremely helpful in connecting more with your partner.

After writing in your journal, you may wish to share a part of your concerns with your spouse. The wonderful way to do this is perhaps to take a day trip - go to a park, or to a lake, somewhere quiet and secluded where you can talk and not be disturbed. Enjoy the mountain, beach, arboretum or other special place in nature. Feel the wind at your face. Watch the beauty all around you. Notice the smallest bird hop along the sandy beach.

Use this opportunity to share your concerns. If you find it too difficult to express yourself out loud, then purchase a journal and write letters to each other. You will be amazed how effective a letter can be because it doesn’t allow anyone to interrupt your thoughts. In a loving way, explain what’s going on for you. And then, consider how your spouse can help you, but be specific.

“I’m feeling very fatigued. I would like to rely on you to do the laundry with me each Saturday,” or “I need more time alone. Can I count on you to take the kids out for dinner one time each week?” Then talk about it or, if it’s too painful, write your response back in a letter of your own. Hold each other - sometimes that’s all we need when we are in such emotional pain.

Keep that journal in your bedroom and use it to communicate back and forth. After you’ve written your letter about what is going on for you, put the journal in his night table drawer. When he’s responded, he’ll then put the journal in your night table drawer. Unlike when we speak with each other, journaling gives us the ability to share feelings without judgment. Happy communicating.

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