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It wasn’t long ago that children were sheltered from the reality of death. Most families would keep secrets from children by telling them that “Grandma went on vacation” or that “Grandpa went to live with Aunt Jane.” Many were not taken to funeral homes to say their last goodbyes because it was believed it would scare and scar them for life.
But over time, we learned that we did more harm than good in sheltering them from the pain. Although they were little, they were not stupid. They knew something very wrong had happened but were too immature to thoroughly express their pain with words. This did not make what they were feeling any less real. If, at an early age, you lived through the death of a significant person in your life, you know exactly what I’m describing. The hushed voices so you wouldn’t hear. The wondering how Grandma would feel when she returned from that vacation to find Mother had given all her clothes away. And when we became older, we either figured it out for ourselves or someone finally told us that Grandma had died all that time ago. We then felt betrayed that we weren’t told the whole truth and sad that we never had a chance to say goodbye. Grown adults whose parent died at a young age still tell me stories of how, for years, they never truly knew how their mother or father died because their surviving parent and aunts and uncles thought it best not to mention their name. That somehow ‘out of sight, out of mind’ would make it all better. And they still carry the emotional scars. The fact is that children grieve the same way we do. They feel real pain and have real needs, just as we do. Even infants sense when there is an upset in the family. So it is imperative that children be permitted to grieve. And because of their tender age, more time and consideration to their needs is also imperative. Here are some issues children deal with after a loved one’s death: ― It was once thought that children shouldn’t attend a funeral or wake because it would be detrimental to their mental health if they saw a person in a casket. Because of this philosophy, many children didn’t get an opportunity to see their loved ones or say goodbye in a manner which would have helped them along their grieving process and have unanswered questions resolved. Today, many funeral directors employ bereavement coordinators. One of their responsibilities is to be with the children, explaining what is going on, encouraging their expression through art and letters, and providing a safe place for them to sit, sometimes with other young relatives, within the funeral home during the services. Wise parents will ask to speak with this individual when making plans in order to gain better insight as to how to handle various situations. Questions might be: Should the children attend only the afternoon services or should they be with us at evening services as well? Can I arrive earlier each day to give them more private time with their loved one? What type of items should I encourage my child to place in the casket? What are some of the questions she might ask and how do I answer her? ― Children’s emotional responses are much like our own.
― They may regress physically, as well as emotionally. Young children may now wet the bed where they didn’t before the funeral and cling to you, not wanting you to be physically out of their sight. Some cannot sleep unless they are in your bed.
― When a parent loses a child, the surviving siblings go through traumatic times. They desperately need the love and support of their parents, but Mom and Dad are so depressed they can barely communicate. The entire family is turned upside down and often the older surviving sibling takes on the role of parent while the parent becomes the child. This role reversal allows the household to function in its own dysfunctional way. " I’ve spoken with many children who have told me that they’ve done the household shopping, the laundry, learned how to cook dinner, even to the point where they’ve written the checks for the bills. They’ve taken over where their parents had to leave off. And one of the most difficult things for these children is that after they have seen their parents move to a stability point where the parents are now holding down a job again - cooking dinner again, handling the chores around the house - it is then that the children start to rebel and/or do their griefwork. When they took over the household duties and became surrogate parents for the younger siblings, they delayed their grieving process until they knew their parents were functioning and stable. In addition to their own grief, they had this added burden, which denied them their childhood years - years they can never recover. So now we have a situation where it may be two or three years down the road and everyone is wondering why Johnny isn’t over this by now. He was doing so well. What happened all of a sudden? These older siblings, at that point, have no support from friends or teachers who thought they were “over it by now.” And even their parents are wondering why they are acting out all of a sudden. These courageous and selfless children became adults by necessity yet didn’t get the support they needed when they needed it. So two years or more down the road, their parents, teachers, principal don’t expect them to need help now. “They didn’t need it in the beginning - why now?” they ask. But the fact is that when school counseling was immediately available two days after the death, the student, like you, was still in shock. Nothing had sunk in yet. The real counseling is needed now - when the student is ready - not when the counselor or principal believes the student should be ready. Additionally, there is a very real possibility that the student won’t want to open up to the school guidance counselor. They may be concerned that their feelings won’t be kept confidential. In this case, turn toward resources in your community such as a bereavement support group especially designed for school-aged youth. ― Unresolved grief is a major cause of rebelliousness and acting out. And if left unchecked, it could lead to drug abuse, alcoholism, self-mutilation and arrests by law enforcement for petty or serious crimes. Kids use these methods to numb the pain and unleash their rage. They are screaming inside and feel they have been left out of the grieving process. They need love and concern now and ask themselves, “Where is help for me?” They are begging for someone who will guide them and it is our job, as adults, to find a group or other person, who has had similar experiences, with whom they can relate. That may be a friend, another relative, grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins. But it is imperative that we get children the appropriate support system, just like you sought out for yourself. ― Children, like us, struggle with concentration. They have trouble in school because their minds wander, just like adults do. They tend toward extremes: overeating vs. no appetite, no interest in classwork vs. an overly devoted student, the inability to sleep vs. long bouts under the covers. ― Especially if one parent has died, there is a deep fear that their surviving parent or caregiver will abandon them or die as well. Not only do they deal with the fear of losing their parent physically, but they also fear losing them emotionally. The parent is no longer there to listen to them or comfort them. It is important that you simply “be” with them, spend time with them. They feel isolated, neglected, unloved, lonely, unprotected and unsafe. ― They fear changes in the routine of the household. They see changes in their bodies, their environment and their routine, which they are not accustomed to. They fear new things or unwelcome adults. Sometimes, in the case of homicide, they are dealing with visits from district attorneys and detectives coming in and out of the house. The media might be camped outside their doorstep. ― They fear a new identity or new role in the family’s structure. If a sibling has died, the surviving sibling, who was once the youngest, may now be the only child. Or they may have been the second child and are now the eldest. So when their place in the family has changed, a new role is unfairly bestowed upon them and they are trying to find their way in this new role. Many times surviving siblings believe it is their duty to take over the role of the sibling who died. This is very difficult because how do you take over for a person who has died? There is no way you can. There is no way you can live up to those expectations and it becomes a futile battle for them. They may take on their mannerisms, or begin playing sports their deceased brother loved but which they despise - all in the name of love for him and their parents. Now children do gain comfort from wearing their brother’s baseball glove or styling their hair in the same way he did, or listening to his music. If it’s behavior which draws them closer to their brother’s memory, that’s effective in dealing with their grief. But when they are trying to be someone they are not for the benefit of others, that is harmful to the surviving child. Children, like us, experience guilt. When their sibling or parent was alive, they may have said or done mean things to them, had arguments or disagreed with them. They may have said things like, “Oh, I wish you were dead.” And now that the sibling or parent has died, they feel a deep sense of regret thinking they somehow caused that person’s death with their words or actions. Young ones are especially sensitive to this because they don’t understand that words themselves cannot kill. You need to discuss this and reassure them that this is not the case. ― Young people deal with the shame involved in certain types of deaths, just as adults do. Perhaps your loved one died of suicide or even homicide, a stigma that still can exist. Their peers can be so cruel and carry on in front of their friends at school, leaving them to feel worse. Tell them the truth about how their loved one died. There is nothing worse than finding out on the baseball field. ― Some children feel guilty that they are alive and their sibling is dead. They normally say to me, “My parents ignore me because they’re going through their own pain and I just want to scream out, ‘look at me, I am still alive.’ Don’t you notice me, don’t you know I’m still here? I didn’t die, too.” ― Oftentimes children are uncertain how to act around adults, because they see adults happy one minute, sad the next and depressed the next. That inconsistent pattern of emotion confuses children. ― They have similar physical symptoms to us: cramps, nausea, vomiting, headaches, dizziness and children have many nightmares and daydreams about what could have been or what might happen in the future. ― They are afraid of many things:
● that they will die too.
● that their parents will die.
● that they will be abandoned.
● that it was their fault.
● that they said something that caused this death to happen.
● that they did something that caused this death to happen.
― Children take many things literally:
● don’t say the person is sleeping.
● don’t say they are away on vacation.
● don’t say, as in the movie, Corinna, Corinna, that the mother is in the bathtub.
― Children look for ways to comfort themselves. They will wear the clothing of their deceased sibling or parent. They may play the music they loved. Shop at the stores they loved. Visit the malls they frequented. And adults do the same. (For years I wore my grandmother’s warm-up suits around the house. And for over a year after her death, I wore her engagement ring.)
One of the most important recommendations I can give is to search for and enroll your child or children in a bereavement support group early in their grieving process. Many times, a children’s group will run simultaneously, yet separately, from a parent’s group. Sometimes your community is blessed to have a special house dedicated to the needs of grieving children and families - a Grieving Children’s Center. Other times, the bereavement coordinator at a local organization will hold bereavement groups for children right at their schools. I strongly encourage you to enroll your children in a support group specifically designed for children who have experienced the death of a loved one. In some communities, bereaved children are grouped with children of divorce, separation or those dealing with other transitions, like moving into a new home. Placing children in a group with children of divorce will not be nearly as effective as a group for children who have experienced a death. It only causes additional harm for your child to see another child walk home with their father, when your child has already buried his. Children’s bereavement groups provide young people with an outlet to express their grief. Counselors and trained volunteers are skilled in helping children release their anger. They do it with drawings, punching bags and puppets, acting out emotional scenes. That is how children express themselves, because unlike us, they do not yet have the language skills, vocabulary and maturity to communicate their pain. So instead, they draw, color or play with puppets to act out their pain. In the process, they are taught that what they are going through is perfectly normal, which is so important for them. They meet other children their age who have experienced similar tragedies and they realize they are not alone. There are others like themselves who are hurting too, and it’s okay to be sad. |
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