Dealing with Stress

Dealing with stress is one of the most important ingredients in successfully moving toward resolution of your grief. Perhaps you’ve seen family, friends or business colleagues who didn’t handle stress well and found themselves in emergency rooms holding their chest. Or worse, encountering major surgery or death. Stress itself can kill. Your job is to learn how to release stress with the goal toward a saner, more balanced lifestyle.

Especially now, with so much inner turmoil wreaking havoc on your body, it is so important that you recognize the need for balance. Learning what to say “no” to and when to say it will help you function in a calm environment, even when chaos may be breaking loose around you. Set boundaries, especially now. This is not the time to let non-bereaved folks walk all over you with talk about their wants and needs. Let’s look at ways to alleviate and reduce stress:

―Exercise. I know, I know. You’re probably saying, “Did she have to bring up that word?” Yes, yes. The reason is not so much to worry about your physical size, (although that is a wonderful by-product) but rather to get you moving, which will help reduce the possibility of depression. When we sit too long and continually reflect upon our pain, instead of doing something with our body, we can easily fall into a depressed state. I don’t want this to happen to you.

Making special time for exercise, especially when you are dealing with such pain, is valuable. Even though you feel like you want to lie in bed all day, it is important that you move, get outside and get some fresh air.

If all you do is walk outside your door and breathe in the air, or walk a block down the street and back, it is far better than had you stayed in bed all day. In the beginning, this may be significant for you. The whole purpose is to get your body moving. If you will do this for me every day, within a few weeks you’ll feel stronger and walk longer and farther. Maybe now it will be three blocks, then four, and before you know it you’ll be able to walk a mile. You’ll start to look forward to this. It will be your time for yourself. And while you are grieving, you really need that.

― When you rise in the morning, lift all the blinds and draw the curtains to bring in the light. This sounds like such a little thing, but when you feel blue you tend to want to shut out the world. And when you open them, the sunlight will come in and it will help lift your mood as well. Even if it’s a darker day, at least the light will come in - much better than having a dull, dark room to depress you more.

― Recognize and acknowledge all the feelings that you are experiencing right now. The more we try to restrict and deny what is really happening in our emotions, the more stress we build. And the whole point is to try to reduce unnecessary stress. We had plenty to deal with before our loved one died, now we are coupled with even more.

― Plan an adequate and nutritious diet. It is very easy to become the junk food queen or king when you have limited energy to cook and prepare meals. Junk food will not serve your body well, especially now. You need to build your strength through good food. Try to be conscious of what you are eating. Because we feel so bad, we don’t worry about what is going into our mouths. We just pick up anything. When our immune system is already broken down, it is even more of a challenge. We need to consider our diet, build ourselves up and stay in a healthy mode.

Consider reducing or eliminating sugar, white flour and caffeine, which is found in coffee, chocolate, tea and sodas. Use decaffeinated products instead. Stay away from processed foods. My rule is if I can’t pronounce the ingredients, it shouldn’t go into my body. Use dairy products sparingly. Reduce your intake of breads, pastas and other carbohydrates. Choose chicken, turkey and fish. Eat abundant amounts of fruits and vegetables.

When you do not eat well, it takes your body extra energy to digest these foods, which gives you less of the energy you need to heal. Eat foods that will support your body and mind.

― Some people think vitamins and supplements are useless and even some doctors, who are afraid their services won't be needed by healthy, informed consumers, will tell you they are unnecessary. I strongly disagree. We need to do everything in our power, especially with the high cost of healthcare, to support our body. When our loved one dies, our physical bodies react to the strain and can decrease the strength of our immune system. During less stressful times, we had already built up toxins in our system from the pollutants in the air, pesticides used to preserve food, and through antibiotics in our foods and from medication. Compound a perhaps weakened immune system with the stress of a loved one's death, and we can be that much more susceptible to illness.

Enlist the help of a holistic doctor and nutritionist who will assist you in caring for your entire or whole body (thus the name holistic medicine). Their skill at helping you build a strong immune system will be worth any cost insurance may not pay for.

― Listen to comforting and soothing music each day. Pick out a good radio station or some tapes or CDs in classical, jazz, spiritual or other soothing genres. Choosing CDs, which have rhythms of the ocean, or other equally wonderful sounds of nature, can also comfort. You want to develop a peace-filled environment. You may find that instrumental is less risky than songs with words. But, ultimately, you will hear that one perfect song, “your song,” or some equally sentimental song which will only bring you sadness, start the tears to flow and bring you on an unsettling trip down memory lane.

While you may find soothing is good right now, don’t dismiss the need to play loud, fun music where you can dance and feel joyful once again. When you can handle it, uplifting music is far superior to slow, memory-filled music. You will find there is a place for both. Don’t be a slave to either format. There will actually be times when that soft, memory-filled music will help you cry out your pain and release many pent-up emotions, which you may not have otherwise been able to release. And even though this process can be painful, wise individuals know it is far healthier to go through the pain, experiencing all its facets, than to mask it as if nothing has happened.

― Balance work and play. If we work or play too hard, neither will support us. Men, in particular, tend to overdo work because it keeps them from coming home to the reality that their loved one is no longer there. It’s very easy to fool yourself when you are at work. You keep yourself busy and somehow you feel stronger in this chaotic state. But intentionally staying busy by developing more and more work for yourself only puts your feelings of grief on hold that much longer. Eventually you will have to deal with this pain.

Better to understand that facing the pain will ultimately support your work life better. It will help keep you in balance. It is easier to deal with significant pain little by little than all at once when down the road you crash. Take the necessary time now. Don’t be embarrassed to ask for time off. There are many ways to get more time for yourself. Perhaps leaving early each day, taking half days on Friday, hiring out someone to do the lawn and other household chores so you can spend more time together with your family on the weekends. Use your creativity.

Remember, you can never replace this time with your family. They need for you to physically be around them when crisis occurs. Showing up four months from now will not help. They need you now. Find the courage to develop balance and set your priorities. Jobs are just one part of your entire life. You can get another job, but this is the only life you have.

― Work toward developing your sense of humor again. Many who are grieving develop the misunderstanding that they are not allowed to feel happiness again because their loved one is not here to feel happiness with them. I’ve been asked, “How can I possibly feel happy again when my loved one is in the ground?”

We feel we don’t have “the right.” You may even catch yourself laughing one day and look around wondering if anyone saw you. You may think, “How can I be laughing - this isn’t right.” But each one of us, in our own timing, will release these feelings of guilt when we acknowledge that our loved one wouldn’t want us to go around somber the rest of our lives. They’d want us to live our life, even without them. And slowly, as you settle this within yourself, you give yourself permission to feel happiness again.

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