Dealing with Loneliness

Loneliness is another common issue accompanying grief, which can be difficult to deal with. Widows and widowers are especially vulnerable here. You may have spent 15, 25, 40 or more years with the same person and now that person is no longer here. There are ways to help yourself by recognizing when this feeling comes and goes.

You may recognize that you feel lonely during certain times of the day or perhaps one particular day, like Sunday, for instance. Carefully register that in your mind and then find activities or ask friends to come and visit you during those vulnerable times.

It is important to develop friendships with those who can be called upon during these difficult hours to become your support system. Be truthful. Tell them that you are having a difficult time right now and really miss having people around. Would they mind your calling them around this time of the week or day?

If you’ve experienced your spouse’s death, you may also notice that when you are in the company of your married friends, you feel like a third wheel. You face the dual dilemma of being happy to be in their company, while experiencing a twinge of awkwardness. Don’t let this stop you from socializing with couples who truly care about you. Be honest with your friends. If they love you, they’ll be considerate of your feelings.

It can be very easy to isolate yourself because it’s just too painful to mingle with others who don’t truly understand. If these individuals are your sole support system, one of your first steps may be to attend a support group that focuses on your specific type of bereavement. These are people who have experienced very similar pain. Take the time to research a group for yourself, beginning with the resources in the back of this book. Now, I’m not saying join for life. I’m saying that support groups are wonderful stepping-stones back into the flow of life. When you are so sensitive and need to be totally understood, these are wonderful places for the transition. Ultimately recognize that it is more important for you to be around people than to be alone.

And, on the flip side, there will be many times when you want to be alone so you can do your griefwork. You need some quiet time, even when it’s a painful growth time. It is here where you will learn so much about yourself, your courage, your strength, how far you have come since the funeral.

Try to surround yourself with those most supportive of your moving forward. It is just as easy to get trapped with survivors who wish to remain in a “pity-party” mode. Everyone’s entitled to their pity-parties as they grieve. But you don’t want to get stuck in that rut. Too many people walk around with an invisible sign that says, “Go ahead, ask me how bad I feel.” They have succumbed to the comfortableness of the spirit of grief, a place you don’t want to languish in forever.

In the beginning, everyone is there for you. The week of the funeral and usually the week after, there is so much confusion ‑ people staying over from out of town, food from neighbors, cards, e-mail, concern from most people in your circle of friends, etc. But a few days or weeks later, you may find yourself looking at the empty house, wondering how you’re going to live the rest of your life like this now. You ask yourself, “How am I going to get through this? There aren’t enough people consistently around me."

So, I want you to become involved in something. You must have something to look forward to. Whether that’s a bereavement support group each week for six or eight weeks and follow up sessions once each month, whether you baby sit for your grandchildren, whether you take a class for a favorite hobby, or walk the mall in the morning with others ‑ it’s important to DO something each day.

Perhaps you’ll take a part‑time job in the community library or community agency. Volunteer some time to the Red Cross or other worthy group. Perhaps even a group tutoring young children or volunteering in the local or school library.

When you take the focus off yourself and your problems, you will find yourself healing and happier.

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