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Most family, friends and business colleagues who truly care about you will be present at the time of the funeral and beyond. But there will usually come a time when most, but not necessarily all, of them will grow weary of what they consider to be your “prolonged” reaction to the death of your loved one.
Those closest to you who have experienced a loved one’s death will most likely be there to comfort you in the late night hours when you need someone to talk to and can’t sleep. But know these friends are few and far between. The reality is, even friends who have experienced a deathloss may choose not to be around you because, as we said earlier, it simply brings up too many painful memories of their own grief journey and they choose not to relive it through your experience. True friends and family are the ones who stick by you through “thick and thin.” And this is the “thin” time. But you must take responsibility and express to them, to the best of your ability, where you need their help and where you don’t. It’s just as important to express what you don’t want as what you do.
Business colleagues can also surprise you. Some will show great compassion by taking up a collection to help with your expenses, attending the funeral and working overtime for you while you are away for a week or two. Others will not even mention your loss and act as though nothing has happened.
The interesting thing is that there is no rhyme or reason to an individual’s reaction and compassion toward you. That colleague who was so helpful in the beginning of your grief, it may turn out, did the honorable thing to make himself look good, but he may be the one who wonders when you will be pulling your weight again. And the quiet one, who didn’t know how to express his sympathy when you experienced your loss, may be just the one who is willing to come in on Saturday to help support you in that major project, when he knows you are not up to it emotionally just yet. People will surprise you in both good and bad ways.
The key to having your needs met is to communicate as much as you can. Remember, as with your spouse, your business colleagues, family and friends cannot read your mind. Take some time to explore exactly what you want from them and then tell them. Sometimes the most difficult thing to do is to find out what will really help you. This is especially important when communicating with your boss. Remember, his main function is to get the work out in a timely and profitable manner. So try to think like he does. How can you help him reach his goals, while helping you get what you need to grieve effectively? Ask yourself a better question: “How can we both get what we want? How can I develop a plan which will be a win-win situation for both of us?” ― If you are having trouble being around people, perhaps the solution is coming in at five or six in the morning and working till noon. This would reduce the stress of rush-hour traffic and, for a few hours, you would have a quiet office in which to work. ― Perhaps you need more time with your family right now. Offer to take work home or telecommute until things become more stable at home. ― If you need to attend to the affairs of a parent who has died, maybe a short leave of absence is in order. Check with your human resources director to see how much time off would be feasible without jeopardizing your position. ― For those who have had a severe deathloss, i.e. suicide, murder or other sudden death, you may find it necessary to ask for a less stressful position until you have healed more fully. That may mean a different job function, part-time work, or shared work with another employee. Only you can examine and determine your needs and the needs of your family at such a difficult time. Reorganizing your finances with a financial counselor may be just the thing to alleviate some of the stress, allowing you to work a less demanding job just now. ― Maybe all you need is the flexibility to take a few hours a day off for a few months - working six or seven hour days instead of eight or ten. Perhaps it means taking Fridays off for three months, shortening the week and giving you more concentrated time to be with your family. This may be much more effective than taking a two-week vacation this year. However you use your options, the key to having an expanded support system outside of your immediate family is to communicate your needs as clearly as possible. And most people in business are more than willing to accommodate your needs when they learn you have structured your proposals with their needs in mind. And lastly, a most intriguing thing happens when we grieve. The people we thought would be there to help up through our most difficult moments may not be the ones who come through. Somehow other people, who we would never have thought were capable of such compassion, or others we had never met before our loss, wind up being the most friendly, the most compassionate ones who act like family for us now. There is nothing wrong with that. I believe God places people in our path just when we need them. So be grateful for these new faces and don’t focus on what you aren’t getting or what you expected to get from your family and friends. Focus on the good fortune of having a whole new network of caring people around you at this difficult time.
So here are some suggestions:
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