Dealing with Anger

Not every bereaved person experiences anger surrounding a loved one’s death, but those who do sometimes misplace their anger at the wrong person.

People can become angry at

― the person who died or was killed.

― the circumstances surrounding their death.

― the fact that they weren’t with them when they died (and the sense of feeling out of control that this brings).

― the physicians and other medical personnel who took care of their loved one prior to their death.
― surviving family members and what they did or didn’t do.
― the person who killed their loved one or the justice system which didn’t prevail.
― and finally - themselves for what they think they did or didn’t do before or at the time of their loved one’s death.

You may deal with anger toward many of these individuals, most beyond your control. You may be angry with people who have treated you badly in your grief, said the wrong things, did the wrong things, were inconsiderate and didn’t treat you well.

Some survivors become angry before the death, perhaps at a doctor or other relative regarding whether lifesaving measures should or shouldn’t be used. Others of us become angry after the death, maybe over unscrupulous acts of a funeral director who did not have our financial health in mind. Still others of us become angry later, after the burial, perhaps by offensive words we heard while in our fragile state, or because we felt they did or didn’t accommodate our needs as we expected they would.

You might be angry with the person who caused the death of your loved one, whether it was a drunk driver, a murderer, or perhaps a doctor who did not perform effectively. You might be angry in general that you are the survivor. Maybe you’re angry because you have to go through this alone, without your loved one or because your support system doesn’t live near you.

You might be angry with God. How is He involved in this? What part did He or didn’t He play in this?

You might even be angry with yourself for what you did or didn’t do, did or didn’t say. And you have regrets about that. You feel that you really didn’t get a chance to finalize things with your loved one. They were taken - died too soon. You didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. And you’re angry with yourself because you thought you would have that opportunity at some time in the future, so you didn’t take it when you had the chance. Never did you think that this was your last chance to say and do what you wished you had done. How could that have happened?

It is okay and natural to be angry with someone who has abandoned you - even in death. Especially if their death has caused a whole host of situations you now need to deal with, which you didn’t have to deal with when they were alive.

Acceptable ways to express our anger

— Exercising. The more vigorous the activity, the more frustration is released. You just need to move your body every day. Take a simple walk to start, and then keep going.

— Scribbling out and drawing things on paper.

— Writing down on paper, in letter form, all the anger you are feeling toward the person who died and all the anger that has developed since their death. This will be a great release for you, even if you feel somewhat guilty telling them all your feelings in such a letter. Then tear up, burn or release those letters on a balloon somewhere serene - a park, a lake, the cemetery, the ocean.

— Talking about your anger with someone, even if it is an anonymous hotline volunteer or local bereavement counselor.

— Yelling in the shower, the car or some other private place. My husband told me how, after his daughter was murdered, he would scream in the car because it was a private place where nobody would ever know or hear his pain.

— Playing sports. Playing the piano.

— Taking a towel and screaming into it.
— Beating a pillow with a backscratcher or throwing it up against a wall many times will unleash that unspent energy. You need to get that out of you.
— Visiting a gym or installing a punching bag in the garage. Allowing yourself to expend this anger until exhaustion is sometimes what you need.

Anger, which builds and is not constructively released, can lead to many additional problems. For young children, it can lead to temper tantrums and bouts of screaming. For school-aged children, it can lead to difficulties with school studies and the inability to connect with their peers. For teenagers, it may be peer pressure to just numb themselves from the pain with drugs, alcohol and premature, irresponsible sexual relationships in a hope that someone will listen, understand and comfort them.

For adults, it can lead to serious illnesses, such as heart attack, stroke and other life threatening illness. The inability or choice not to effectively communicate can suppress our immune system. Some adults mask their pain with alcohol and drugs, either prescription or illegal. Others use promiscuous sex and risky behaviors to disguise their pain, which will not support them but instead only lead to other long-term problems - problems that will complicate their pain and only cause them more anguish.

So, please, don’t dismiss your anger. Work on whatever anger you are feeling. Work it out, write it out, punch it out, scream it out. But whatever you do, get it out.

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